A Date With Death
I nervously bit my lip, holding a cup of coffee as a shield against the world. I felt lightheaded, and my anxiety was over the roof.
What was I thinking? How long has it been since I was on the last date? Months? Definitely over a year. Do I still know how to date? What am I supposed to do? What should I say? And most importantly, how in the world I ended up on a date with this guy?
I sipped my coffee, using this moment to look at him again. I must admit, he seems like a really nice guy. And I am not afraid of him by any means. But, there is one thing I can not get my head around.
He told me he is Death.
Yes, Death with a capital D. The one and only, as he assured me.
“So…death, ha?” I started. I tried to smile and failed terribly.
“Death, yes.” He corrected me. I could hear a capital D, do not ask me how.
“So…is it like your job title? To be honest, when I read you work in the death industry, I thought you meant you are a mortician or something like that.”
“No, I am a personification. I am what people think death is. I am a symbol of it. Death, a Grim Reaper, shinigami. Many names, same idea.”
“But I do not see the scythe and black rope. Where do you have those?” I attempted to make a joke and gain some time to calm myself. It did not work.
“Those are my old clothes.” He answered seriously. “I only wear them when I am at Halloween parties. People love the stuff.” I didn’t know if he was kidding or not.
He smiled, but his eyes stayed without any nuance of emotion. Damn you, dating app, I have installed you in the hope of meeting someone, but I did not mean to be paired with literal death personified.
Suddenly, I realized that if he was honest, I was sitting here with the death itself, in the middle of a pandemic. I wished I had a strong liquor in front of me.
“OK, but…why would death — pardon, Death, go for a date? Isn’t it a little bit weird, you know, with your jobs and the whole shebang?”
“Even Death needs some time off occasionally. And I am trying to understand people more. You can say it is my hobby, but it also helps me to do my work properly.”
“Like what, killing people?” Those words just came from me without thinking, and I regretted them instantly.
His eyes were piercing me with interest, but he did not look angry. I felt like I forgot to breathe for a moment. Finally, after some time, he shook his head.
“I am not killing anyone. People are dying because of age, disease, accidents, or even by the hand of another human. But not because of me. I am not the causation. I am what comes after that.”
“What comes after that?”
“What do you think?”
I had no answer for that. Is it not kind of the whole deal that no one knows what comes after death, at least not for sure?
“Still. You can say what you want, but that does not change the fact that even at this moment, people are dying. On Covid, because of wars, global warming, and other terrible reasons. How am I supposed to just sit here and chat with you when I know who you are?” I sat back in my chair and crossed my arms.
“And what do you want to do then?”
“I want to do something. I want to help. I want to make a difference in this world.” I shrugged my shoulders helplessly.
“But?”
“I am scared. Like, what can I do? What should I do? Stop you? Is it even possible?”
“No. If death ceases to exist, the life will as well.”
“That makes sense, I guess. It’s just…why is death so unfair?”
“Death does not suppose to be fair. And life neither. I do apprehend why people fear me or even despite me. I am a symbol of loss, pain, and hopelessness for many. However, I prefer to think about death as a part of life rather than its end: life and death, two sides of one coin. You can not have one without the other. The loss of someone close to you is the most painful and intimate moment you can experience. It can feel like something inside you died as well. An empty space in you that will never be fully replaced. Yet, those feelings have important meanings — that you are still alive, you can feel, care for others. And you have a bond with someone stronger than death itself. The person you loved is maybe gone, but not the bound.”
“But, how can someone live with such pain?” I had a hard time staying calm while my most painful memories came flooding back.
“There are a few options. You can hate it, try to hide it or even ignore it. At least for as long as you can. Or you can hold it close to you because it reflects the time with your loved one. Because it honors the beautiful connection that you had together.” He paused a little bit, gazing to the distance.
“I wish more people understand that death is also about the importance of what is and what was. You have only limited time on the earth, for better or worse. There is no promise of easy or fair life. There is pain. There is love. And in the end, it is you who will decide if you spend your time as you wanted. You will be your own final judge. With that in mind, do you know, what do you want to do now?”
“I think I want to call my grandparents,” I whispered as I was trying to comprehend what he was saying.
“I am sure they will be happy to hear you.”
After that, we talked a little bit more, then he paid for my coffee, and we went our separate ways. He sent me a text later that day, and he thanked me for a friendly chat. Before I could reply, his profile disappeared from the dating app. I deleted the app shortly afterward. I had a feeling that I want to take some time to think about life and just to be.
